Mark, my darling husband, posted this photo on Facebook, the last time we went kayaking. He said it was a photo of "Juvenile" alligator smacking my boat with its tail. And that I took off like a bat out of hell, leaving James and he in the dust. I feel I must rebut this heinous character assassination.
Juvenile, my fat white dimply ass! That evil sucker was a big enough gator to make my boat shake and shimmy and my heart set to thumping and quaking! And no I didn't leave my child behind. I actually paused with paddle poised to give that gator a good thwacking about its big ugly green pimply snouty kisser should it decide to stick its ghastly snoot up out of the water again! Although I will admit that while this photo was being snapped I was simultaneously emitting a noise that most likely made dogs all over the Gulf Coast of the US bark frantically and wallow on the ground, trying to scratch out their ear drums and, was quickly making deals with my maker that included something about refraining from ever trying to wax Mark's mustache while he's sleeping regardless of how much I want to, and never putting that photo of my son's girlfriend forcing him to let her curl his eyelashes, on Facebook and never releasing to the world, the knowledge of the three words that skeeve my daughter out so much that they turn her into a tiny homicidal maniac. (I should point out that at 22, she stands about 5' 2"... in heels) Lucky for my family I take my deals with God very seriously so Mark's mustache is safe from wax (although I conveniently omitted any reference to Nair) and Ryan's man card is safe (although that ship probably sailed when I mentioned the eyelash incident in the first place) And I've actually seen Lindsey get all twitchy and purple minion like with the accidental dropping of one of her peeve words and I don't wanna ever see that again so she was safe anyway. That gator however, better never show his big stupid herpefied snaggletoothed honker around my kayak again or else I'll squeal like a school girl at a One Direction concert and bat at it ineffectually with my paddle ..... again. Nuff' said.