A few nights ago, my allergies kicked into Super Nova action, causing my sinuses to become Super Inflamed and Agitated, joined by their good friends, Sore Throat and Head Pressure. Both nostrils are completely swollen shut and only peek open to let a flood of mucus come rushing out of my nose like Niagara Falls and then they slam shut again. Major red itchy eyes and the sweet cough and pressure join in, and make my eyes feel like they are going to burst out of my face and implant themselves in the drywall across from where I am sitting. Yeah, that’s the stuff.
Two nights ago I woke up and thought “How awesome, my nose was running like a purse snatcher in my sleep”. So I staggered out of bed and went to the bathroom, flipping on the closet light as I passed to prevent a midnight trip to the ER. I put the lid down on the toilet, plopped myself down and began unrolling paper to blow my nose. It was pretty dark in the bathroom, and I am a zombie at night, so I didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary until I was thumping my way back to bed when I happened to glance in the mirror next to the closet door and gasped so hard I swallowed some of my hair, gag. My nose wasn’t running, it was bleeding. Sweet! I looked like an extra from Freddy vs. Jason! I had blown my nose so much that I was probably lucky to have not bled to death!
Okay, so that was unpleasant to behold and I haven’t had a nose bleed since I gave up on Flonase many years ago, so it was just mostly inconvenient and unsettling, not really a huge deal. I washed my face and hands and the bleeding stopped on its own. I’m sure it helped that I stopped trying to leach myself to death by blowing my nose unmercifully. I went back to bed and there were no more bleeds.
Fast forward to today. Sinuses have been more than dissatisfactory over the last two days, to put it mildly. Irritated, swollen, burning and just plain miserable. I have sniffled and blown my nose so much I’m positive my co-workers, family and any complete strangers I have come into contact with in the last week, wish me serious harm.
So…. Here comes the fun part where my Super Helpie Helperson Husband comes to my rescue. He’s special like that. I’m sitting in bed this evening and I lean over to him and say “Mark, could you be a dear and go to the kitchen and get me a mixing bowl to hold under my nose while I sleep”. Well, I am OF COURSE being facetious, duh, but my dear spouse says “Okay”. Sigh. So after assuring him that I was not serious, he says in his super helpie way “Hey, why don’t you try some of this stuff I use to unclog my sinuses”? I see Mark use this nose spray all the time so I know he’s not giving me something he wouldn’t use, and after all, it’s been a pretty terrible sinus week so what the heck do I have to lose, right? WRONG. I’m pretty stinking sure that Mark must have bought this stuff from some black market stall in Thailand from the guy who wouldn’t sell Gizmo to Billy Peltzer’s dad, because when I squirted a tiny bit of this mystery substance up my unsuspecting clogged nostril,
I was certain that it actually contained battery acid. I immediately dropped the bottle back into my darling husband’s hand and declined to spray the second nostril. By this time I was seeing stars, but I thought surely this is only a temporary burning and it will subside soon and then I’ll be feeling aces in no time. So I sat on the bed with tears streaming down my face, waiting as patiently as I possibly could for the pain to subside. After about two minutes I burst out “OH MY DEAR BABY JESUS, WHAT THE HELL WAS IN THAT STUFF? Bleach? Ammonia? Ground up Habanero seeds and Hydrochloric Acid???? What’s the freaking VOC count of that stuff??? Is it legal in the US? Is it secret military experimental waste? What black market stall in hell did you get that stuff from?????”
Mark looked at me like I was sprouting a tiny extra arm from my forehead and said “Is it burning? It doesn’t burn me”. Oh well that’s just freaking super.
“NO DEAR, I’M JUST BEING DRAMATIC! I DON’T FEEL LIKE MY NOSE IS MELTING OFF MY FACE! MY LIPS ARE NOT NUMB! I ALWAYS SEE STARS SWIRLING IN FRONT OF MY EYES AT BED TIME AND THESE TEARS? THEY ARE TEARS OF UTTER JOY THAT I CAN BREATHE THROUGH ONE SIDE OF MY NOSE! I JUST DON’T FREAKING WANT TO NOW!!!! BECAUSE BREATHING FEELS LIKE SOMEONE PUMPED GASOLINE UP THERE AND LIT A BARBEQUE LIGHTER UNDER IT! OF COURSE IT’S BURNING!!!!”
I leapt out of bed and ran to the kitchen medicine cabinet where I dug around frantically for my Neti Pot, in hopes I could rinse this inferno out of my sinus cavity. I finally found it buried behind a ton of SINUS and ALLERGY MEDICINE. I ran the water until it got hot and filled the pot and added the salt solution as quickly as I could with my shaky hands, and began to rinse the side that I didn’t use the spray in first. It didn’t help. In fact, the salt seemed to give the lava spray a little boost of super unnecessary energy. I dumped the water out and filled it with plain water, but in my tear soaked, addlebrained hurry I turned the water all the way to the hot side and filled it. I’m not even going to go into what I said when I poured scalding hot water into my nostril, where the flames of hell could not even hope to compete, but I’m sure somewhere in Rome, a cloister of nuns fainted. I dumped that water out and refilled with warm water. This time I began on the side that I didn’t spray. Why? That is a very good question, because that decision led to the remnants of the death spray trickling into the so far, spray free nostril and if you’ve ever used a Neti Pot, you know that some of the water trickles out of your mouth as well….. yeah. So now, my entire face and throat has all the heat and power of Mount Vesuvius flowing through it. I continued to rinse my nose and mouth with warm water for another 15 minutes. Finally, I had gotten enough of the vile chemical out of my nose that I was somewhat calm. I blew my nose for another 5 minutes which, surprise surprise, caused another nose bleed. I was actually very surprised that melted and blackened bits of my brain didn’t come out, so I was okay with the nose bleed at this point. Happy Happy, Joy Joy.
I made it back to the bedroom and crawled weakly into bed, only to roll over and see my darling helpful spouse, sleeping like a peaceful baby, next to my tear stained and bloody face.
Then he suddenly jumped out of bed and said he was leaving forever, he wasn’t taking any of his stuff, tools, motorcycle, truck, nothing. He also said no one should ever go looking for his body, I mean him, and to never ever dig up the rose garden in the backyard. Seriously. That’s exactly what he said. Oh, but you can bet he took that damn nose spray with him.